Authority for Dummies: AGRISILLY-BAINIMALS

Just saw a commercial (DANNON) “fruit on the bottom, Greek Nonfat Yogurt” that opens with several middle-aged women at a public food serving establishment, discussing John Stamos, the comment was made, I’ll paraphrase a bit: “Wouldn’t it be great if every man looked like John Stamos?” … Then suddenly every single man in every 1/2 second and longer scene/shot, including delivery men, caterers, newspaper readers, coffee drinkers, everyone – is John Stamos, and the women begin to go crazy.

Okay. I get it. Fine, it’s a joke, haha, etc. … Even taxi drivers, cops, everybody – they were ALL John Stamos but not only that they also were eyeing the camera lens with a huge smile making friendly, perhaps more than friendly, gestures, to include thumbs up and so on (my real curiosity here is why they didn’t use George Clooney for this instead of John Stamos, but then I very quickly realized that class and career levels, as well as PR regulations, would not allow it, and so they couldn’t get G. C…. lol… just like the women in the commercial cannot ‘get’ John Stamos.. haha, ironic).

However, it doesn’t end there. Multiple female voices chorus, “Too good to be true!” in a positively exciting tone. That’s somewhat contradictory. But it doesn’t end there, either!

In the next 1s (next second of time) of the commercial TV advertisement, a female (singular female) voice makes the announcement, in the tone or portrayal akin to an afterthought, says (this is after a male voice, perhaps that of John Stamos his very self?! lol… announces the brand, description, etc. as a photoshop i mean photograph of the product being advertised is presented, occupying about one-quarter of the screen, with a whiteout background (bluescreen might not have been used, since the product presented itself was a mixture of blues… lol “I’ve got the blues, perhaps?”…

So what comes next? That single female voice says, “And NOW, a new LOW-FAT (relative to what? The average American diet? HAHA) Greek yogurt ‘made just for KIDS’ (literally, the picture on the TV shows the silly surfing monkey, since silly sliding monkeys have been causing parents to pay a premium of what, I’ll guess TEN TIMES MORE MONEY EVERY SINGLE DAY to feed their child, to the point where the money these poor parents pay for this food actually pays MORE for advertisements and fanciments (is that a word? I’ll coin it now then) than FOOD ITSELF. Because when 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 year olds see a cute surfing monkey (is s/he surfing on yogurt? It would appear so), the children HARANGUE their mommies to NO END and even throw TEMPER TANTRUMS if they don’t get to look at the silly “NEW!” Danimals (TM) monkey, with mirrored reflective cartoon shades – the shades are placed above the eyes, so they are entirely useless in the portrayal other than for aesthetics – that is perhaps the initiation rites for consumerism to fund China, but I really REALLY DON’T WANT TO GET INTO GEOPOLITICS OR SOCIOECONOMICS oops I already did, what I meant was, any further than I already have – because that is not the focus of this little “article” I am now writing.

Then the female voice (emulating or representing, I hypothesize in this analysis, the grocery-shopping mother – in order to identify (psychologically) with the plight of the single mother, and single women (or unsatisfactorily married women, who perhaps at home live a pretend life, with their love lives consisting of fantasies involving other men) (I don’t need to mention any names here; nor does Peter Griffin of Family Guy (copyright: FOX, at least last I checked… they lease out copyrights to redistribute to their alleged archenemies such as CNN, etcetera (adult swim airs Family Guy almost every night, which is the same channel and FCC ID as the Cartoon Network, owned and operated, last I checked, by CNN’s family of networks, or network of families… lol.. sorry, I can’t keep track of it all)…

“DANIMALS SUPERSTARS! YOUR KIDS WILL LOVE IT! (‘Mmm!’ sound, scientifically calculated to the target audience’s most aggregate appealing pitch and synchronization) (then, after the ‘Mmm!’ sound, come two syllables of vocal or vocal-synthetic PERFECTION in the form of the brand name (official), “DANNON” – I won’t bother inserting the exact frequencies or notes; you can hear it on the commercial yourself.

The reason I bothered to write about a silly commercial about yogurt is because it opens with multiple women fantasizing about one man, and it closes with “YOUR KIDS WILL LOVE IT” (as if it were scientific fact; lol – I was a kid, and I didn’t love it. I liked La Yogurt. So where do they get off… lol… nevermind) so it’s a virtual COMMAND, that will be COMPLETELY perceived as coming from an authority, that authority being inherited (or reverse-inherited) by the out-of-control ADHD children (by that I mean ordinary children) TO the single parent (of NECESSARILY MULTIPLE children????? Really? Of course! Because the more children a single mother has, the shorter their fuse and the greater their frustration! And that is the vulnerable point – extreme frustration. In the grocery store, the kids DEMANDING IT, that Mommy pays ten times spot price on a commodity, and the child INHERITED THE AUTHORITY OVER HIS OR HER PARENTS FROM THE YOGURT-SURFING MONKEY.

Yes, INDEED, your kids WILL love it, after they see commercials. If you wrapped the same exact food product in a brown piece of blank paper and no colors on it, and the child had never ever seen the tv commercial… or the monkey… well, in that case, your kids might well NOT “love” it. Also, the mutual development of a co-op between mother and child is artificially enhanced by using cartoons and co-opting THOSE with similar ads that air at like 3am during adult swim and BAM you’ve got an entire GENERATION of over-childbearing, over-consuming, over-spending, 100% broke and getting more ‘broke’ by the second, if you can believe in the concept of being more or less ‘broke’ than broke itself (you’re either broke or you’re not… well, I beg to differ. Broke can mean you can afford food and housing, but not cigarettes… NOT being broke can mean you’re not broke because you have ONE PENNY in your pocket (even if you don’t know it’s there) (or lost in your purse, at the bottom, since objects with the greatest mass to volume ratio (index) sink to the bottom – just like in BOX CEREALS, where it always says, “Sold by weight, not volume – when you open the bag, we apologize if it appears to be more than half empty/half full, because settling occurs during transportation” HAHAHA Definitely filing this one under COMEDY(FICTION) šŸ™‚

Now I need some sort of title for this gibberish I just wrote out. Hmm… LMETHNK… how about… “Authority for Dummies: AGRISILLY-BAINIMALS”? šŸ™‚ That’ll do. haha.

With Love,

Copyright (C) 2014 Brendon Tristal

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